*____don't worry, i'm watching over you___

Sunday, October 23, 2005

confession time
i believe not many know about the SCO camp im supposed to go last year.
i decided i have to let everyone know about this
that im not exactly critical and strong like how i look on the outside
i never told anione about this
and i told a lie to kristine and all of you guys.
im really really sorry
i know you all may look down on me for this
but i really cannot take it anymore
and if time goes back,
i cant guarantee i wont make the same mistake again.

last year march
i do not want to get into the SCO camp at all.
but the seniors said i should go
at least for the audition
so i went
because i did not have enough courage to stand up and say i dont want to go
so i thought i could just screw up the audition so i wont get in
but i realise my hao sheng doesnt allow me to do this
so i practised and went for the audition
although i practised quite hard
i screwed it up.
i was only a very new sec 2 with 5 months of playing experience
and it was the seniors who drilled me
the scales SCO gave was like hindu words to me
and i thought they were all 5 for tong ying
and when the judges said it was not
i came as a shock to me
i thought i would be booted out then
so i said ill nv get in
but,
i got in
i was soo happy.
becox the seniors were so happy
they said i was the next after grace
and grace was really pro according to them
she looked pro too
ya
so i felt good
but not so when i went for the first practice
when i stepped into the room
i felt so cold
the aircon was blowing mad
i felt very cold
not just physically but emotionally
i had no friends
i was alone at dizi
and im extremely afraid of being alone
afraid of being lonely
i tink ill nv learn to overcome this
im really afraid of aloneness
and i can feel the feeling which i got when i was stuck alone in the lift
the heart shivers.
have you all felt it before?
i was helpless.

after this when i realised all the others had teachers who taught them all the songs and they were all well prepared,
i asked my teacher at that time, mr wong, for help
i thought
with some honing i would be alone to catch up with those who are flying
perhaps with walking.
but guess what
mr wong nv taught me anitink
he just listlessly flipped thru the scores
and said "this one like this, this one like that" to a ignorant sec 2
LIKE WHAT??????????
i learnt to hate him for this
he nv helped me

if now i got in again and i give the scores to tony hong and ask him to teach
will he teach?
i duno.
i cant harbour high hopes now
because i suffered because of this high hopes i carried
i learnt to throw them aside
"qi wang yue da, shi wang yue da"

i learnt to hate mr wong
i learnt to hate his irresponsibility
Just like him when he left w/o a word
w/o even telling liu or huo
this caused us to be teacher-less for 2 or 3 months
do you know how much could be done in this 2 to 3 months?
but sn dizi was teacher-less for this long time
because he left w/o a word
because he didnt tell liu so that liu could arrange a new teacher for us
WHY???
why did you all even bother to cry so sadly?
when he could just leave so suddenly
w/o caring two hoots about us being teacher-less.
and wasting so much time
w/o caring how much i died at the sco camp
even the da G i needed was borrowed from my guzheng teacher
i asked wong for help
but he merely said his is borrowed by another person

you all may tink im very ungrateful
he taught us for so long
taught us many things
how can you scold him like that?
so ungrateful
so mean
so wang en fu yi

but did wong help us?
the dizi?
yes
he lowered all our keys when we couldnt reach them
and not teach us the technique to reach them
i rmbed all our bing ma yong was taught by yu fei
the flowers at bing ma yong dizi solo
wong taught us the wrong keys
wong taught us the wrong fingering
and we had to change everything again with yu fei comes
how can you expect me to "give him mian zi"??!?!?
say im ungrateful and mean for all i care
so what if you are his friend
i dont care
that doesnt change my perception of him
ill nv forget how much i went thru at the SCO camp
i felt so terrible that i ponned the rest of the practices
i felt so terrible that i skipped the rest of the SCO camp after going for the mon one

you all can say
im also very irresponsible for leaving
just didnt want to go after one day
so disgraceful
throw st nick's face
waste pple's space for SCO camp
so many pple want to get in
but you just gave up after one practice
but how many of you bothered to ask me how i feel when i had to lie to you all that i had menstrual overflow just because i couldnt stand it animore?
you all just took it that im irresponsible
that im a slacker
useless
lousy
freak

im very sorry for this
i really canot take it animore
im only a sec 2 with 5 months experience of playing dizi
i dont deserve such good honour of getting into the SCO camp
i dont deserve it
and i cant take it

can you imagine how helpless when everyone was so pro with their thoughtful teachers going thru everyting for them
and me
a patheic sec 2 with less than half a year experience of dizi
having to undergo all this
i was practically not playing at all
i couldnt play anitink
i only knew the 5 as xuan gai.
but there in front of me are alien diaos with A,B flat,D and everything could be
no one helped me
i had to help myself

if you do not have private lessons and a teacher to guide you along
will you be able to hold on?????
and i didnt want to go in the first place
can you imagine how terrible i felt when i thought i will nv be able to go thru the whole thing?
can you imagine how horrible i felt when i lied to liuxuan, kristine and all the co pple?

i felt that i have to own up now
i cant take it ani longer
even if i dont say you all will also say
i might as well own up myself

i hope i will be able to survive at cheng san cc with sharon
i may look strong the outside
tough and critical
not allowing ani one to bully me and onli i bully others
but im not as strong as i look outside....

fine.i have decided to believe tony hong.cox hes damn nice.

haha.sorry if i sounded quite solemn
i hope you all will not look down on me for this history of mine.
im still the cheerful peiqi^^

flew into your heart at [7:27 PM]

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